I went shopping for cards today; I didn’t realize they had Mother’s Day cards for everyone, new mothers, cards you could give to sisters, friends or girlfriends (as in lovers) with kids.

I couldn’t find the right card for my mom; none said the deep meaningfully things I wanted to say to her. I thought about filling a blank card with profoundly insightful words of courage, love and adoration for her, but that would seem totally corny and so unlike me. So I got a close one that said she meant so much to me and she’s always in my heart…. blah blah blah. It seems to sound more convincing coming from Maya Angelou.

People in my family can’t be convincingly affectionate; we’re the most non-touchy-feely bunch on the planet. We don’t go about hugging and kissing each other proclaiming our love for each other, noooo… not in words or deeds. The only person in my family who’s ever told me to my face they loved me was my father, and that’s just because I screamed and called him the worst father ever. My oldest brother told my mom he loved her once and she thought it was a scam; he wanted something from her, after my mom refused him whatever it was he’d wanted, he walked off in a huff and never openly proclaimed his love for his mother again.

Along the same lines, we don’t talk about our ‘feelings’ either, it’s almost as if we have no feelings, we’re supposed to be strong. Take my mom’s cancer for instance, the only times we talk about it is when we’re talking treatment options or travel plans. It’ll even be awkward to talk about how we feel about it, how’s it’s affecting us or really talk to my mom about it. Maybe not talking about it will make it mysteriously disappear. I have more conversations about breast cancer at work than I do at home; at home, I go running and pretend my life is perfect.

I sometimes wish I could call my mom and have her tell me how she’s feeling, her fears if she has any, her hopes, and her thoughts. I wish I could tell someone in my family, how it’s affecting me, how I’ve taken on this whole new identity as a breast cancer victim’s daughter, but we don’t do that in my family so I keep it to myself and pretend it’s all ok. I feel guilty sometimes because most of the time I’m not pretending it’s ok; I actually think it’s ok, I’m what you’d say… in denial and it’s a great place to be when you’re me.

PLAYING: Jesus walks – Kanye West

READING: How to meet cute boys – Deanna Kizis

WATCHING: Gilmore Girls

QUOTE: “I want to talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long”