Whatever it is that kicks in at age 21 to alter one into instant adulthood never happened for me. I’m having a hard time with this growing up business. I’m going through so many adjusting and maturity issues that I’m afraid I’ll wake up one day and not recognize the person I’ve morphed into.

Years after officially becoming an adult, I’m still struggling with basic adolescent decisions like what to be when I grow up, or when/how to settle down or have a family. Friends I knew back when, have all gone on to become ‘responsible adults’, they have partners and are having babies. My mother at my age already had a 2 year old and a newborn son. She’d settled into life as a wife (albeit to an absentee husband) and had worked at her job close to ten years.

Me, the idea of having children petrify me, what do you feed them? I still eat gummi bears for breakfast. The thought of committing to someone (supposedly) for the rest of my life scares the crap out of me, seeing I’m not even sure that I can stand myself for eternity.

The other day I walked into my apartment building and this woman with a baby in a stroller was waiting for the elevator, my first reaction was ‘Babies aren’t allowed in this building!’ then I remembered that it was rather pets that weren’t allowed.

My dreams are normally interspersed with strange encounters with my father where I’m always still a child trying to surmount some great childish hurdle. Sometimes there’s a twinge of quilt as I feel I’m bucking the norm, I’m not supposed to like it but I do! I want my life to be as uncomplicated as possible; which is why I can’t stand my job sometimes, it doesn’t afford me the freedom and simplicity I crave. How does one come to accept the monotony of everyday life? I don’t know maybe I’m wired wrong.

Then there’s me, too self-absorbed to think of or do anything else, everything has to be about me! I’m so vain I think most songs are probably about me. It’s tough accepting that this is my life, I keep holding out for more, I’ve moved for more, tried to become a different person for more. Change is about the only constant I crave, and sometimes change is the one thing that eludes me.

PLAYING: Ordinary world – Duran Duran

READING: Diary of a Manhattan call girl – Tracy Quan

WATCHING: Eve

QUOTE: “Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief”