In the past year I’ve had up to eight dreams with a recurring theme. I’m not quite the dreamer (I mean that literally) so it must mean something. I normally wake up from them feeling dejected and scared, I’m relieved when I realize it’s just a dream but a slight sense of gloom lingers.

Last night I dreamt we were one big happy family; my dad, mom and siblings. We were grown ups, got along great and actually liked each other. I’m packing my bags to leave and we’re blissfully chatting away while they help.

Then I get to this place where no one knows my name, they don’t speak my language and I can’t understand them, I’m always alone in my room watching tv in a foreign language without subtitles. I miss my family, I try calling them but I get the operator except I can’t understand what she’s saying. The letters I send home are returned to me with instructions I can’t read. I feel so lonely and abandoned I contemplate killing myself, not once do I consider going back ‘home’.

These dreams are always the same genre; I’m amongst friends and family, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and I’m getting ready to leave for someplace else where I’m going to be living permanently or for a very long time and I won’t be seeing my friends and family all the while.

I get there and I’m miserable partly because I always cannot speak the language. In my dreams, my biggest fear, next to being buried alive (which is also my biggest fear in reality) is living alone in a country or place where I can’t speak the language. I’m lost trying to find my way out; it’s depressing, frustrating and helpless. No one understands me and I can’t understand anyone. In dreamland it’s so terrifying it’s almost like a nightmare. The scariest bit is remembering how ecstatic and happy I used to be before getting there, I’ll walk the streets forlornly for hours just to see something, anything in English. I’ve been having these dreams for a while now.

In my conscious state the idea of going to a foreign country, one that doesn’t speak English (or my native dialect) doesn’t frighten me the least bit, in my dreams however I’m petrified. Maybe it’s a sign to visit a non-English speaking country, the only non-English speaking place I’ve been is Denmark but that doesn’t count much because almost everyone in Copenhagen speaks some English.

But I do remember walking to the grocery store when I first got there, how things seemed strange (but not scary). I chose foods by looking at pictures on cans and cartons or just buying similar brands. When I got a checkout lady who didn’t speak any English (unfortunately Danish unlike say… French or Spanish doesn’t have that many English looking or sounding words) turned the till so I could see the amount. That was about the most horrific thing that happened.

I do however recall going for a walk the first night and having this feeling of loneliness come over me (sort of how I sometimes feel in my dreams) because I was so far away from everything and everyone I knew and loved. I had my Walkman, I just kept turning the dial and came upon this station playing the Backstreet Boy’s ‘as long as you love me’ which I found at the moment very comforting, I smiled a little smile, put a little perk in my bounce and hurried on knowing I wasn’t going to be there forever.

I try to psychoanalyze myself sometimes; I believe I know me best. I figure the dream means I should probably learn a foreign language, or my greatest fear is losing family, or I’m worried my happiness wouldn’t last forever. I just don’t understand why I keep having it and why I always wake up so scared!

Does anyone ever have dreams like this?

PLAYING: Stand up – Ludacris

READING: Lost – Joy Fielding

WATCHING: Tru Calling

QUOTE: “But our time and our clothes gotta coordinate”