My sister and I were discussing a friend, who recently lost his father. Which got me thinking about my own father (because I’m a self-centred person who even manages to make other people’s loss about me!) I haven’t spoken nor had any contact with my father in seven years. What if he (or I) died without my ever speaking to him, will I regret not keeping in touch then? Will all the stuff that happened become irrelevant? Sometimes I wonder if I’ll even feel anything at all.

Occasionally I’d wish for some sort of contact with my father, I don’t want to hold a grudge that will mean absolutely nothing but ‘headstrongness’ in the end when it matters most. Then there are days when I think about things, a lot of things actually, and then it all doesn’t really matter because maybe he’s already dead to me where it’s really important. I’ve met a lot of transient souls and for a while he was the constant, through all the passages of trials and tribulations. But then he was partially responsible for said ‘passage of trials and tribulations’ which is not to say that it all went away and got better when he ceased being in my life. He not being there simply meant my struggles were of my own doing, not something he put me through.

Sometimes, I imagine calling him, or writing to him seeking answers, he’d explain and I’ll understand like the adult I now am. But then I remember when I was younger and imagine him asking me to let it go because I’m too young to understand. Every now and then I wonder what he’d think of me if he knew me now, would he be proud, would he be disappointed because I went against him or would he even care? My father never knew me as an adult; my memories and opinions of him are what have developed from childhood into adulthood. What if I never knew the real man? Would I miss or regret anything, if either of us never got the chance to meet or speak ever again?

Do I love my father? probably not. Do I hate him? probably not. Frankly I don’t know what I feel for him. As a child I was convinced I hated him, and then there were times when I felt sorry for him, on some days I felt I had to protect us both from the ugliness of our situation except I was a child and didn’t ask that he make the choices he made. So maybe I do love my father, maybe we’re wired to care for our parents’ in spite of ourselves. But what does it mean when I don’t want to speak or talk to him? Am I afraid he’d hurt me again or just punishing him for the wrongs I feel he did me? Does it matter anyway? Is there some rule that says we have to be close to our fathers?

I guess what I’m trying to find out is that if I lost my father (or he lost me) would I have regrets for not speaking to him? Will I weep because he’s no longer on earth despite the fact that I’ve deliberately avoided contact with him for seven years? Wouldn’t that make me some kind of a hypocrite? What is my anger towards him worth if it’ll turn to regret and sorrow when he’s no longer here?

Maybe I should put all this behind me and contact him as a form of healing, but then how do I begin; Dear dad, Dear father, Dear sir, Dear Mr., Dear man?

PLAYING: All Things – Widelife

READING: Lost – Joy Fielding

WATCHING: America’s next top model

QUOTE: “And now I can clearly see”