It starts with a small cough and the next thing you know, you’re hacking your lungs out! I’m feeling a bit under the weather; I have this mysterious cough that just won’t quit. I should have gotten the damn flu shot! Working in an office full of parents, it’s a given that some mother would pass on their germy child’s virus on to me… it happens all the time!

I had a bit of a fever last night, I had this dream where there’s this really cool restaurant everyone wants to go to, people literally fight to get in. After dinner they slip you pills that help you throw up the food you just ate and laxatives. They even had special rooms (like restrooms) patrons could do that in.

I think I may have some sort of eating disorder in sleep-realm because it seemed like a good idea in my dreams, or maybe it’s because we were talking about eating disorders earlier.

Or it could be that I’ve been thinking about my weight lately. Not that I actually want to throw up my food or anything as pathetic. I was contemplating the fact that I never take a moment to really look at myself in the mirror; I don’t think a lot of women do either. I consider myself an average weight (whatever that means) with an enormous butt yet I still fit into size 2 clothes, but whenever I look at my body in the mirror I turn away because I feel fat. I grew up in a culture were it’s considered wantonly, even immoral to explore or check out ones own body. I step on scale that spews out numbers everyday but I’ve never connected those numbers to my physical being.

I’m certain most of my image ‘issues’ stem from the fact I still haven’t discovered myself, all I see are numbers and the conviction that perfection lies in a certain weight range, what about how I feel about my body, doesn’t that count?

Henceforth, I’ll stand in the mirror buck-naked and examine me, you should try it sometimes maybe you’ll find things about yourself you like, maybe it’ll give you a specific and more personal reason to go the gym or pound that pavement, it sure will beat starving and exercising just to reach a number. Look, really look so you know when you need to do something or when to stop.

But don’t listen to me, I’m drugged out on cough medicine I can barely keep my eyes open or think a straight thought…. Let’s have some Dr. Phil-like person tell it to you on tv. Bunnies are cute!

~[m-w’s word of the day]~

PLAYING: Numb – Linkin Park

READING: The Nanny – Melissa Nathan

WATCHING: Ed

QUOTE: “I'm tired of being what you want me to be”