When I was 6 years old, my oldest brother (then 17) tried to kill himself. He tied a cord around his neck and hung himself off my grandmother’s kitchen ceiling. It was my mom who found him struggling to death. She held him up with all her strength, while neighbours rushed in search of metal cutter. The Dr.’s said if she hadn’t found him when she did he would have died. My brother, now a 37 year old pastor lives in Florida with his wife.

Every family has secrets right? Well, that’s one of ours; we don’t talk about the time my brother tried to kill himself, or the reasons behind it. At least no one talks about it when he’s around, he does however uses it to ward off menacing girlfriends in a sorta “you don’t wanna be with me, I‘m suicidal, ask my siblings” way. But we never really talk about it.

I’ve always maintained that only two kinds of people can actually act on their suicidal thoughts, extremely brave people and psychologically ill people. I don’t fall into any of the two categories, or should I say, my mental imbalance doesn’t guide me that route. And as for being brave, let’s just say I don’t have a tattoo or piercings just for the fact that it’ll “hurt” I’ve never been afraid of dying, I’m too restless for that. I just can’t handle it with pain or numbness.

There’s been many times in my life when I wished I wasn’t, but not once have I ever thought of taking my own life. Not because I thought I had something to live for, or because I wanted to spare my friends and family the anguish, it’s just for the mere fact that I’m a wuss.

When I was 14 I tried to have my father think I was going to kill myself. But in true ‘dada’ fashion, he managed to make it all about him again! He suggested we both take the crushed pills and end our pain and misery once and for all. This threw me for a loop since I had no desire to actually kill myself; I just wanted them to know they’d brought me to a point where I considered death an option.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ll be fine way before I actually think about killing myself besides not all depressions lead to suicide and I’m disappointed that people really think that’s the worse that could happen… try being me for a minute!

PLAYING: So far away - Staind

READING: Diary: A novel – Chuck Palahniuk

WATCHING: Gilmore Girls

QUOTE: “i'm so afraid of waking please don't shake me”